(because love is a deliberate practice)
“I love people.” She said it with passion, excitement even. We were deep in a late night conversation, the kind where the world feels small and honest. She said other things too, though I don’t remember what. Then she said it again, this time with a settled kind of warmth: “I really love people.”
If these were just words, I wouldn’t have given them a second thought. Many of us say things like that. Maybe we hope the saying makes them true. Or, if we’re being honest, what we really mean is that we love the people we like – the comfortable circle we’ve already chosen to care about.
My friend is different, though; her love is a verb. She moves toward the needs of the moment: when the food needs clearing, dishes need washing, or someone’s kids need tending. She is there when someone needs a listening ear. Through prayers, notes, and presence, she is constantly building others up. What amazes me, though, is how observant she is. She isn’t a clueless optimist oblivious to the messier parts of human nature. Of course she notices things. She loves the people anyway.
I’ve been thinking a lot since that conversation. Having been around some individuals who have been a challenge for me to enjoy, much less “feel” like loving, my solution for some time was just to flatline. Tolerate, at best.
Some, indeed, are harder to love than others. For me it can sometimes be those who always mistake a conversation for a monologue, or takers who move through life without ever pitching in. It’s the people you simply cannot take at their word. Common annoyances like that. But noticing isn’t the problem.
My temptation in those moments is to mirror their efforts. If they dominate the space, I want to check out entirely. If they bring nothing to the table, I want to bring nothing too.
That’s been the challenge: to stop thinking up all the reasons I’m off the hook for caring and loving someone well.
“They’re toxic.”
“I’m exercising my boundaries.”
Hogwash! There’s sometimes real frustration behind those words — I don’t want to dismiss that. But if I’m honest, they’re often just ‘acceptable’ excuses to avoid doing the right thing. Of course, there’s a time and place for honesty, and even that must be done in love and for their good. So how can I love them, as people, exactly as they are? Because that must come first.
“Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did.” -CS Lewis
It’s easy to love the ‘lovable.’ It costs us nothing to be kind to the people who are kind to us. Real love, however, like the kind my friend has cultivated, doesn’t wait for the other person to be ‘worth it’ or do their part. It decides ahead of time. It arrives with sleeves rolled up, ready to serve; before being asked, before being deserved.
The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced this isn’t just a temperament or personality trait. It’s practice. Something learned, chosen again and again. And in my friend’s life, I can’t help but see Jesus, because that’s just how He is.
PS. I know someone is probably laughing while reading this, because very likely, I am their most difficult person.
